I Want to Cry Now

I think this will be the first time I’m going to cry at work.

Mila is sick. This morning, she started coughing and was feverish. She had runny nose for the past few days but never thought of it much. I knew she is really sick when she wouldn’t “walk the runway” with me. She just wants sit down play. It’s her scheduled visit to her pediatrician in the afternoon so I was not too worried. Instead of vaccine for chickenpox, she was given some medicine for her cough and colds – Alnix Plus Syrup and Himox Suspension. Now I’m worried.

This is the first time I’m going to give Mila medicine aside from Paracetamol (for occasional fever due to teething or after her immunization). When I heard Amoxicillin, I panicked inside. Why would she need antibiotic? Is it really that bad? I know she had runny nose for a while but her doctor said it’s ok for 3 to 5 days as long as her nose is not congested. She was just so happy and extremely energetic yesterday. Did I not take care of her well enough? We’ve been taking our vitamins and doubled the dose of her Vitamin C (though fruits mostly) the moment her cold started. I wanted to ask why the antibiotic but I was just too stunned. I also don’t want Hubs to hear me asking. I told him before that when I worry about Mila’s health, then it’s really time to panic. He worries enough for the two of us.  I don’t want him to panic yet.

I told myself this is for precaution, to catch it before it gets worse. I just need to relax. We got home and Mila is just fine. Not great but better. Both Hubs and I cannot miss work tonight so I called my mom and she asked my sister to stay home with Mila and Nanay Dina. That made me feel a little better since Paullete had been with Mila through a few feverish nights so she can take control. I really don’t want to leave Mila alone with just her yaya. Nanay Digna has 4 kids already, the youngest is 14 years old so she had been through this. She should be able to take care of Mila if the fever comes back. She should be able to sing Mila to sleep if she wakes up coughing. She should be able to give Mila her medicine on time. She should be able to do so but I’m not sure she can. I’m not sure she will be able to remember the right dosage. I’m not sure she can remember how to use the electronic thermometer. I’m not sure she knows when and how to contact us for emergency.  I’m not sure is not good enough. So Paullete needed to be there. But she’s not.

We went to work with a heavy heart but I know my sister will be home soon to look after Mila. Or so I thought. As soon as I’m at work, I got a message that Nanay Digna will have to take care of Mila by herself tonight. I cannot just leave now since I’m already here at work. The best I can do is wait until my lunch break to check up on them. My heart is breaking because I cannot check up on Mila anytime. I want to leave work immediately but there are reasons I cannot. I know this is a decision I am making. To stay. But it is not an easy decision. I may be over reacting. I may be thinking the worst for nothing. Mila may be sound asleep and everything is ok. But I am a mother and I want to be able to take care of my daughter. She needs my hug and kiss more than anything else. I need her hug and kiss to make me feel better. I wish I can be with Mila.

I am worried sick.

I want to go home now.

I want to cry.